I just want to take this brief moment to say that I have a wonderful life. Even though in school, things are different now, people that surrounds me are different now…I’m still grateful because I have two best friends that I could always count on…and a brother, who has been really true to me. I’m grateful, so grateful.
As much as I wanted to talk to you or do something about this emptiness that I feel inside, I choose not to. I don’t want to bitch about how I miss you because there’s no point in letting you know; nothing will change. You are there and I’am here. No matter how hard I wanted to see you, I can’t. I can’t live like that. I need to live normally, with normal friends who are there by my side, friends who I can hang out with when I’m feeling down/happy. But the problem is you’ve taken up that space in my heart and other people butchered what little space I have left. I can’t trust anyone new, even tho I wanted to. It is just so hard, I’m still getting use to being alone, not physically but mentally. I feel alone.
It kinda breaks my fvckin heart that we’ve grown apart. I miss every bit of you. Your weirdness, your annoying comments & your advices. I miss how you always treat me after school, even tho you dont have to. I miss how you always wait for me. I miss how you know that i felt alone and you’re always there to accompany me. I miss how we spent hours talking on the phone. I miss how you would call first. I miss the long bus rides home. I miss you.
I miss having a brother by my side. I miss my brother who got extremely mad at me for dating guys he doesn’t approve of (and he’s usually right). I miss my brother who’s annoying but also responsible. I miss how he thinks. I miss how he’s so mature. Even though it annoys me before, I realize now..that he never left me during my problems. He was always there.
He dedicated a song to me once. Its from an anime Naruto. It was during grade 7 when i have to leave Qatar. No matter how silly it sounds… I play that song from time to time… And i sometimes cry… I sometimes smile… Because that’s what he gave me. He gave me home. He will always be my brother, maybe not by blood, but by heart. Always. Even if he forgets.
You don’t have the right to text me, call me, or facebook me. You have no rights at all. Why? Because you screwed up. You lied to me. At first I was cool with it, with you and I just being friends. But fuck of course, fuck. Fuck it because I just realized we are not even friends since the beginning. Because friends are suppose to be there for each other in bad, serious times… And you weren’t. You don’t even bother asking. You didn’t try hard enough, like I did for you. Friends are suppose to share thoughts and talk about shits that makes sense, not about some goddamn things like what did I freakin eat for dinner. So fuck it. Fuck everything we talked about and laugh about. Fuck it because you were just using me. Fuck it. And now I’m all over you, you just randomly thought to go knocking on my door and remind me one more time of how much I fucking hate you. Every single time my phone beeps and I see your name, it reminds of how stupid it was. How pathetic you are and how stupid I was for letting you use me. The truth is, I can never replace her so stop making me think that I can. Fuck it. Fuck it.